Day before Surgery June 28 th

Wow, this still feels surreal. I will begin a new chapter of my life tomorrow and I can't explain all the emotions that are running through me at any given time.

I've started saying prayers (so unlike me) to a higher power so that I come through this with no complications and that my kids will still have me around physically and mentally. This I think is the only thing that is really worrying me at this point. I am not ready to leave this world as I still have so much left to accomplish.

It's almost like a catch 22 here: I mean if I didn't have the surgery, the obesity would claim my life early and I wouldn't be around to see the things and be part of the things that really matter to me (Family and the love of my life Alex, and close friends)

I have my youngest to graduate high school in 9 years. I have 2 grand daughters that I need to watch grow. I need to see my girls married off or at least to a life long partner. This includes my grandbabies. I need to see them happy, content and satisfied.

I will be taking my youngest out of school for the afternoon, by her request, to spend time together before tomorrow. We will be watching a movie "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" and just hanging out for the afternoon. I am hoping my 18 yo will hang with us too but she does have an essay due tomorrow for University so and assuming that she will be going to that. She is a procrastinator but she gets it done.

I am very proud of all my girls. They have been and always will be great joys of my life. I have no regrets where they are concerned. They are beautiful people inside and out, caring and loving and they are so like me in different ways without them really realizing it.

Well back to the macabre: I don't have a will. I know my kids don't like talking about it but I figure we have to some time, so let this stand as a living will of sorts.

Alex K, the love of my life, will be the executor of my will. I trust Alex to see that things are followed through to the end.
My oldest Felicia, is beneficiary currently, as at the time I filled that out for work, she was the only one of legal age.
Sheena and Sydney should get money from that to live on in case something happens to me (which it won't). In any case, under no circumstances, is Sydney to go live with her biological father. He's a "recovering" (using the term lightly) alcoholic, can't take care of himself let alone Sydney.
Sydney would not be happy or healthy in his current or future relationships. If Sheena or Felicia cannot take Sydney for what ever reason, then I want Syd to be looked after by Alex K. He has agreed to this previously when this conversation had come up.

And in case , very slight chance that I don't come through, I hope my mother is happy that the last conversation that she had with me, she called me stupid....that has been her thing for my entire life and has never been behind me at any time. My dad has always been there for me even if he didn't agree with me---his thing was "you make your bed, you lay in it" and that was that. He has never called me down. And I love him immensely. I do love my mom too even though we have never seen eye to eye.

On to the brighter things: again my new life chapter begins tomorrow at 0745 (scheduled surgery time). My two youngest are the ones dropping me off at the hospital. I will bring a couple of books (novels) to read if I feel up to it. I want to get a TV for the days that I am in the hospital.

I even gave myself a pedicure two days ago with a deep bright orange for nail polish. I am off work until July 12th. I took that time as vacation time even though its not the kind of vacation I was planning lol Not the tropical island I was hoping for, but that will come next year, with Alex.

So the fasting starts at midnight tonight: Have lots of things to do before tomorrow--like grocery shopping for my girls, laundry, packing my tiny bag, which won't have many things included, and last minute things to keep me occupied so that I may be able to sleep tonight.

Will be going shortly to meet my son in law at a U Haul location for a truck rental and then at Felicia's request, I will be going to her house to visit, as she won't see me otherwise before tomorrow.

Will ramble on more later probably, as this seems to help me calm down some what.

Cheers!!